Friends, it occurs to me that many of these internet quizzes we’ve been having fun with over the past year or so basically come down to just one pressing question: Who the fork am I? Whether it’s which great old movie star we’d be if we were a great old movie star, what element of the periodic table best matches our natural physical vibe, or where we actually belong (assuming it’s not where we already are), they’re all trying to answer us this. So I’ve developed a quiz for folks like me who seek enlightenment about this issue but just don’t have the time for those slightly longer surveys. Interested?
LET’S PLAY!
Who are you?
A. Piss off. These stupid internet quizzes make me twitchy.
B. I got Beyoncé! I really should live in Taipei! My personality color is deep periwinkle!
C. Extremely satisfied.
D. N/A
OKAY! PRETEND TO CLICK HERE FOR YOUR ANSWER!
You are a hero and a villain in the screenplay of your life. Within you gods and goddesses vie for expression; you’ve lived fairy tales, myths and legends. This bears repeating: You are the result of an exquisitely specific and absolutely unique interaction of genes and environment — there never has been, and never will be, another just like you. You are exactly Where Your Journey Has Brought You Thus Far, and you are also How, and Why, and from these coordinates you might get a glimpse of Where You Are Going. For your next big adventure perhaps you’ll cycle through the nine points of the enneagram; your electric imagination might find resonance in the 16 MBTI temperament types and several well-researched personality traits. A lifetime of developmental phases lie dormant or bloom in the fertile soil of your soul. You are the blessed wisdom and knowledge you have gained, and you are the thrill of all you have yet to learn. You are, particularly, the first things you ever did best— these are your birthright and the perfect gifts you bring to the party— but you are also indeed the things you love dearly and wish to do better, and you are the yearning expanse between. The evidence of your greatest strength, which you may yet be blind to, is embedded in the pattern of that same damned mistake you keep making again and again. You are the stories you tell yourself, and the shadows of those stories (which you suspect to be the real truth), and you are It: Sublime Truth. All you are is the genetic culmination of every member of your family that has ever lived (both sides); your family is called Humankind.You are 65% oxygen, 18% carbon, 10% hydrogen. You are the stars above you, the oceans and rivers at your feet. You are the shaft of sunlight through the blinds that kissed you awake this morning and you are the sudden thunder beyond the window that startled you out of daydreams at noon. You are every secret, stolen little moment of self-deception that you believe separates you from the rest of us and our community of lying, lonely, sad little moments. Yes, you are the snuck cigarette; the extra bowl of cereal you pretended wouldn’t count; the splurge that maxed out your credit. And you may even be the vengeful wish you’d like to think that you’re above; the blur you sometimes make of that thin line between inspiration and plunder; the skewed perspective that casts others as players in your private drama. But you are also the lovely, furtive way you glance at people you’ve never met sharing an easy laugh; you are the afterglow of the sweet, distant crushes you never acted on; you are the way you try to prolong that gaze into the middle distance, seeing yet not looking, mesmerized by the light and a cocktail of some really choice neurotransmitters— or maybe that was the tickle of God in your brain. You are a mere droplet in an ocean, your life one brief flicker of a firefly in the immense darkness of this overflowing universe. Yet you are so much larger than you imagine, and your quick choice to toss off a smile to that sad-looking stranger you just passed on the street eventually found expression in the laughter of a child who lives thousands of miles away. You are the exact same person you’ve always been and baby don’t you go changin’. Sweetheart, you rebirth with every breath. You are a pleasure to talk to my friend, and you’re my butterflies, the thrilling thud of my heart in my throat I will feel as I press “Post”. You Are Here Now.
